Embracing My Imperfect Body

 

When I came across Sara Benincasa’s latest piece, I knew that I had to write something. I was also asked several times why I gained weight three years ago.

I’m writing this for thousands and thousands of women who are bombarded with the media’s idea of the “perfect body”. It’s not your place to understand my own personal journey. It’s mine and mine alone. I won’t get into every single thing that happened in 2014. But I will tell you this. If you see me in the nude, you would notice that I have stretch marks on my hips and breasts. They appeared when I rapidly gained weight. While I may have healed on the inside, these scars will never fade away. They remind me that the past is real.

I remember the first time when I was asked if I was pregnant.

What was supposed to be a fun family reunion turned out to be a disaster. My poor misguided 23-year-old self cried on the inside when Theo told me that his mother thought I was pregnant. To make matters worse, Theo got silently questioned about my changing body in a restaurant. The table was filled with family members, including his cousins and aunts. On the other hand, I was still standing outside the bathroom door. I was waiting for this message to sink in.

When I did, I got upset. Our conversation went first like this:

Me: How could she think I was pregnant? I must be fat!
Theo: No, she doesn’t think that way. She just noticed that you had certain food cravings and got tired easily. She also assumed that you had morning sickness when she saw how you just recently ran for the bathroom. Please keep in the mind that she was just concerned about us.

I had to pause for one minute because I was strung by the truth. Every symptom he listed was true. However, it wasn’t pregnancy. I basically neglected myself too long. My insecurities were itching to get out. I hated every inch of my body. I would whine about how my flabby stomach looked ugly. In my mind, I was still the skinny girl who could fit into these cute clothes. Well, not anymore. I was still in the denial.

When I look back, I couldn’t blame her for thinking that. She was and still is a nurse. Of course she would come up with that conclusion. But with my denial, I didn’t think anyone would notice that I was changing. I definitely thought that I’ve hidden my suffering very well. Who am I kidding? I was never good at keeping my poker face on.
Theo’s mom wasn’t naive at all. She knew that just because we were both sensible in the bedroom, it didn’t mean that we would never get knocked up. Fortunately, we were extremely responsible with our birth control usage. Being protected, however, didn’t stop us from having few “pregnancy scares”. In a way, my boyfriend’s mother freaked us out. It was when we suddenly realized that we could be THAT couple.

What happened next was unforgivable. When we all got into the car, Theo and I fought like mad. I decided to push his buttons so we could scream at each other for not being mature enough for such “adult” things. This was my pathetic attempt to avoid my weight gain struggle like plague. He was scared about the big ugly world out there. Sadly, our silly fight had deeply hurt his mothers. Their eyes were widened with sadness. When we tried to assure them that everything was okay, they wouldn’t believe us. My heart was a bit broken at this moment.

I recall when I tried to cover up our fight, his mother would tell us to go on. She said that we could as well as speak Chinese. She wouldn’t understand a single thing we said. But it was exhausting. I didn’t want to be mad anymore. So, I let out a deep breath. This part, she understood.
“Welcome to the real world, you two. It takes two committed people to communicate their true feelings”, she said. She was right. It’s not only a good habit for us to develop on a frequent basis, but it’s also a good reminder for myself. I had to start listening to my body. It was time to ensure that my health was my top priority. It was time to give my body the treatment it deserved. It took me a few months to become ready to claim my body back.

So far, I’ve experienced occasional weight gain in the last two years. I have developed tools to keep up with a healthy lifestyle. I decided that I would only lose weight for myself, and I did. I have more energy to become active in life. I also want to protect my body from any possible disease. Seeing both generations on my maternal side has diabetes, I would be likely to get it if I’m not careful. My family history included cancer and depression. Taking of my body would benefit me in the long term.  If I’m lucky, I would lead a long and happy life.

That’s my long answer for you.

I hope my story reminds you that women are also people. We’re flawed like everyone else. We shouldn’t allow the scale to calculate our worthiness. Our bodies all have scars. These scars remind us that history repeats itself. It is up to us to break the cycle. As mothers, daughters and sisters, we have so much insight to share with the world. It is only my hope that we can bring a female future!

 

To My Younger Self

Hey you!

Yes, I’m talking to you.

Fear not. Your future is shining from where I’m standing. Can you believe that I’m writing this in 2016? I know that looks very far away, but it’ll go by quickly. You’ll see pretty soon.
Is there anything you want to know? Ask away!

1. Yes, you can ask anything.
2. Yes, I will answer your questions like this.
3. Because I was quite inspired when I came across Mara Wilson’s letter to herself. I thought I’d do the same thing myself.
4. Yes, that’s the same Mara Wilson. She writes various personal stories and gets involved with small independent projects time to time. She plans to launch her autobiographical novel in the fall.
5. She grew up pretty. Please keep in the mind that it’s not that important. She has grown to be a fierce and independent woman.
6. You? You’ll be still awkward, but you will be grown into your looks.
7. Yes, you’re still short. There are times when you wished that you’d be a bit taller, but you wouldn’t trade it for anything. Except for a homemade veggie burger.
8. You’ve outgrown your dislike for patties. You’ll like them chewy and flavourful.
9. When you don’t eat black bean burgers, you would eat portobello mushroom burgers. While they’re still delicious, they’re cheaper. It’ll be handy when you’re out of the town.
10. They can be marinated with red wine vinegar, pressed garlic, herbs, and oil. My mouth is drooling as I write this.
11. That’s okay if you’re not familiar with these terms yet. You’ll learn in the upcoming few years! You’ll have a blast.
12. Of course, we have to declare that cheese is the best part. It will always be.
13. That’s a hard pick. At this moment, I’d choose soft goat cheese!
14. Yes, you’re still friends with Missy.
15. Not as much as you’d like. You see each other whenever you could.
16. I saw her recently in June, and we visited the Rocky Mountains. It was awesome!
17. You’ve travelled plenty since you’ve moved out at 22. You’ve visited New York, Vancouver, Washington D.C., Cyprus Lake, Calgary, Saskatoon and Montreal.
18. With your boyfriend mostly.
19. Yes, you will have a boyfriend. He’s not exactly what you pictured, but guess what? He’s waaaay better than that!
20. He’s blond. He sports a handsome beard.
21. Yes, he’s pretty talented in drawing. He has a good eye!
22. He’ll be a year older than you.
23. Honestly, I don’t know where he is now.
24. You’ve only dated one guy. It may seem weird, but it made sense when it happened.
25. His beard will tickle your face when you kiss him.
26. Pick one? It’s impossible! There are too many.
27. No, his parents are not together.
28. Yes, you will have five Christmases. I can promise you that it won’t be like when Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn play an unmarried couple who attempt to escape from their divorced families during the holidays. The film will come out in 2008. By the way, it sucks.
29. Oh, no. It’s way more intense. It’s beautiful.
30. You’ll see a lot of your boyfriend in his parents, grandmother and sisters. It’s just not their facial features, it’s also their mannerisms. It’ll blow your minds! It’s painfully beautiful.
31. I’m not supposed to say this, but I’ll break the rules once. Before he came along, you didn’t believe that you could ever love a person that much. It’ll come as a wonderful packaged surprise when you’re ready. Just be prepared for what you will feel when you meet his family. Your heart will slowly grow bigger a million times. They’re the ones who moulded him into the person he is. You will be grateful for that everyday.
32. Yep, it’s just like the ‘Grinch Who Steals Christmas’.
33. I’m happy to say that you will not accept only one hug a month anymore. You’ll graciously embrace people you care about. When you do, you’ll hold them tight to your hearts.
34. Yes, you will feel very vulnerable. But guess what? You’ll feel better afterwards.
35. No, I don’t know why yet.
36. No, you will never have your s*** together. Who does anyway?
37. Yes, you do pay your bills on the time.
38. No, you were never homeless.
39. Your apartment will have one bedroom and a den.
40. You will turn the den into your own personal art studio.
41. Your neighbours cook tasty momos.
42. You will eat them fried with their spicy dip sauce.
43. Yes, you’ll have a roommate for two years and half . Please be patient with her. You’ll see that she’s a wonderful human being.
44. Yes, you’re still in touch with her. She takes care of your handsome cat when you’re away longer than one night.
45. His name starts with S. Yes, it’s a boy!
46. His favourite activity is playing laser. He also loves wet food.
47. Of course, he’s quite an affectionate cat.
48. I don’t know the answer yet. I’ll leave it up to the fate.
49. You will live in Toronto.
50. You will be lucky enough to appreciate Toronto’s reliable transportation. Well, it is what it is.
51. Biking can be hard, but you will get confident over the time.
52. Your university is an 10-minute walk.
53. Your major is sculptures and installations.
54. I’ll come back with a certain answer when I start this fall.
55. You will have wonderful interpreters, and they are very supportive.
56. Just follow your instincts. You’ll see.
57. The last course you will take in your first year is painting. You will love it!
58. Yes, you will be challenged to change your religious view.
59. You’ll find that eating pizza is your true religion.
60. Will you be? A little bit.
61. The best advice I can offer is live your life to the fullest.
62. At least you’ll know that you won’t die a virgin.
63. No, you are also not going to be a virgin on your wedding night.
64. No, you’re not married.
65. It’s unlikely that you will get married. Who needs to declare one’s love in the papers?
66. You will for sure keep your surname.
67. Yes, you will be playing house with your man.
68. That’s right. You’ll be like Mom and Kevin.
69. Yes, you both have talked about the possibility of having kids someday. You still aren’t ready.
70. I don’t know. We’ll see when one comes along.
71. Yes, you are still close to your mom. She’s doing marvellous!
72. Your dad’s hair will be long and white.
73. His jokes haven’t stopped yet! You’ll learn that you both are similar in some ways.
74. Yes, you will have a nephew. Another one is on the way in my time.
75. His name starts with N. He’s gorgeous! You will fall in love with his loud personality.
76. Yes, you get to enjoy occasionally spending with your siblings.
77. Look, it’ll get better.
78. Things are MUCH better. You’ll be happy that you’re not in high school anymore.
79. Yes, you will have a bad-ass tattoo. You will not regret it.
80.  I’ll end our conversation with some useful advice. Here it is:

Please worry a bit less! You’ll see that things will happen when you’re ready. If something awful happens, it means that something big is about to be born. Don’t EVER rush yourself. Follow your instincts. Try out new things. You’ll learn a lot about yourself. Be prepared to be surprised.

Your Friend from the Future,
Luna
** I’d like to credit Mara Wilson for this idea. Read hers:
http://marawilsonwritesstuff.com/answers-for-my-younger-self/